Those who are dead, are not dead...

they're just living in my head...

(no subject)
housesmileballon
labell
I don't feel good enough.

I don't feel nerdy enough.

We're on polar opposite scheduled. He has to sneak around all night doing his things and not wake me up, since I fall asleep before midnight, and I have to sneak around all morning, because I wake up at six.

It's wearing on me.

All I do is give him a hard time. All he does is forget things.

I really just feel overall overwhelmed at my failure, at life.

(no subject)
housesmileballon
labell
I want to thrash about.

I'm such a rage-r when things go badly.

(no subject)
housesmileballon
labell
Zack is being held hostage by his mother.

Kathleen is off the radar.

Randy is off the deep end.

Rane is partying.

Nolan bailed on me.

Hannah is packing.

I exhausted all my friends - what the heck.


This night is lame.

Gonna pop in a U2 dvd or play some skate. I guess.

(no subject)
legnote
labell
I don't know how much longer I can survive all this. Fighting, with everyone. Can't we all just get along? But that is too much to ask, obviously.


Got in a fight on the phone with Zack before bed last night. Just wanted to talk to him, but of course it got into the argument about working. He's so scared of change, that even though he claims to be looking for a job, he hasn't done a damn thing. I know that, he knows that, and he doesn't even deny it. He said last night he found out why they cut his hours, and it was a crap reason but he said he'd "fix it." I said screw that, don't fix it, get a better job, like he CLAIMS to want, and he clammed up and stopped talking. He claims to hate this job and want out so bad, but doesn't do a damn thing about it. I'm so frustrated.

I can't even get into Randy, other than the fact that NO ONE can win with him. He texted that he'd probably call out of work today - I hope he does.

Ho-hum.
decrapinated
labell
It's been a good three days off of work, and I don't really want to go back for once tomorrow. I had 24 hours of movie-watching, kitten cuddling, and just over-all hanging out with Zack yesterday and today. Was very nice after my crash and burn session with Charlie - which I have learned from, but being as right brained as I am, I needed a massive retreat.

Right now I am watching Love Happens with my mom and Keith - mostly Mom, as Keith is sleeping, per usual. I don't really know what else is going on in my life. Nothing. Dreading school yet I want to go back. I am very torn. I am loving this break, but my mind is bored and I feel far too unoccupied. I'm just concerned at about how much of a load I am taking on. Class Monday-Friday, working Saturday-Sunday, and attempting at least two days of the barn in there a week at least.

One of my best friends is moving with her boyfriend to South Carolina - they've been dating for three weeks. It's kinda bizarre and crazy but I am excited for her because I've never seen her act so together and matured.


I have a headache - goodbye.

a killer in me is a killer in you
axe
labell
Somehow when I sat down to eat breakfast, a kitten molded herself around me. She is orange, and she is cute. Now I don't want to move. I gotta get up and clean the bathroom before I go to work. Also before work I have to go to Petsmart and buy bird food and drop it off at the barn.

Now I shifted and she is drinking the milk in my cereal bowl. This girl was crafty.

Currently watching the June Savvy Club dvd, or at least just part of it. I never just sit down and watch these things.

I have a lot of plans for Friday- Zack's big twenty first birthday! I'm going to make him an awesome cake. We're going to start the day with breakfast at the Broken Egg, then go to Northwest River Park (my work) to canoe and play mini golf. We'll probably eat our packed lunch then. Thennn we're going to head over to the barn and he will probably take pictures while I ride and whatnot. And then we are having a verrrryy small BBQ here for his birthday. Four people...plus my parents...and that's including us. Him and Rane want to drink absinthe....I'm going to supervise the children with Randy haha. But this week is shifted all kinds of weird. I took Friday off to spend with Zack, so Randy is working my shift, so today is the day I traded with him. And tomorrow I switched times with Kathleen, she needed to open because she has class.

This DVD just gave me an EUREKA! Let a little bit of air out of one side of the pad if the saddle is uneven....duh. WOW. I'm an idiot sometimes.

Time, is on your side...
dance
labell
I'm feeling a creative mood coming about. I've been working on a poem/lyrics in my phone throughout the day, but now I'm not sure if I should pull out the guitar or the drawing pad, or even work on my friends present of painted shoes. Hmmm. I shall figure something out.

I did however, accquire the Q Magazine double-cover issue of Muse/U2 and this makes me greatly happy.

Andddd U2 is backkkkkk. They posted a homemade video on their site today, and Bono showed the world he is okay :)

Saw my buddy today. Haven't been in the mood to ride, but we did some playing on the ground, and I washed his face from all the sunblock and dirt and whatnot, to let it get some air. His face looks so bad as of late.

(no subject)
housesmileballon
labell
I really don't like being alone.


Everyone worked today.


No see Zack for three days (end of world, obviously.)

Mimosa and some U2 360 trying to cure the loneliness until the parents get home, then I shall latch on to them.

Probably see Randy tonight, but I don't know. Gas and money are lacking until payday, I will NOT take anything from savings.

I will follow your eyes anywhere dear...
axe
labell
So many things going on in my head. I tell Zack to get his life together, and then he does quickly. He still needs to talk to his grandparents, but he probably won't finish his bachelor's degree, because it's really a waste of money at this point, and a waste of time. He's looking more toward getting a full-time job and moving out for the time being. He wants to be a luither, or a guitar builder. This takes a lot of time and money to start up, but he found a job that would help this career - entry level jobs for sanding and building at the Paul Reed Smith guitar faculty. Unfortunately, this place in Maryland, about three and a half hours away. At first I thought about looking into graduate school at the University of Maryland, but decided in the end that would be too stressful, and I planned on staying here through graduate school to expedite my time with Charlie. I know I can't take him with me, but I know I can't stay here forever, either. d

One reason I love Zack to death - he isn't offended that I won't move with him because of my horse. He understands AND supports this decision. However, when I graduate from PT school, and if Zack is in Maryland and the job is working out, I will look for jobs up there. The place is only 3.5 hours away, or a quick train ride. I still have five years of school left, and I don't want him to wait on me to try and get a job that could really help him. He's so hesitant, he doesn't want to move where he knows no one, but it might be the best life choice at this point. I don't think it would be but another year until he does this, he first wants to get a full time job here and save money and move out. Hopefully this will go somewhere soon. He is in his second week of work at Little Ceasar's for now, and they promised him 20-25 hours a week, and he got 9 hours this week, so he is promptly searching for another job.

Wow, I feel a lot better after talking this out on here. I really don't have anyone to talk about this to, because....well yeah.

Anyway, I'm watching Sherlock Holmes, cleaning my room, and restoring my phone because it's annoying the crap out of me. Already went to the DMV today and renewed my driver's license.....$32 later. Ugh.

I want to know your plans and how involved in them I am....
acrobaticons_rockstar
labell
I was a wee bit ambitious yesterday - rode two horses AND went to a concert. A standing concert. Yeahhh. I don't feel like moving today. Not at all.

Worked with Linus bareback in the morning, and Charlie in the afternoon.

oh circles.

No more complete bareback for me...my butt hurts SO freaking bad.

Say Anything.....I swear it gets more epic every time. I'm at show five or six of this band. It's always a little different and always more awesome. We were pretty close, and centered. We decided next time we're going to get early to wait in line and get front rail. Man oh man. Audiostrobelite threw out glowsticks and beachballs! That was fun. But yeah, Say Anything, always epic. However, they did not play Admit It, which sucks, and Baby Girl was kinda weird, because it was played solo with just his gibson - generally is a very dance, techno beat song. But he did play "I want to know your plans" which made me tear up a bit.

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